Grief & Loss

No one is exempt from grief or loss.

It doesn’t matter your social status, age, gender, or culture. We all experience the grief of loss in one way or another in our lifetime. The issue isn’t that we will experience grief but rather how we experience it.

Loss is the state of being deprived of or without something that one has had. Of course, this definition only defines what it is, not how it alters our lives.

It almost makes it sound easy to get over and suggests we merely need to replace what was lost.

If only it were that easy, but some things are not replaceable.

So how do we get over the pain?

Sometimes, counseling can result in more questions than answers merely because we all view loss through our own filters.

I’ve come to believe that all too often, the main objective is to get over the pain rather than allowing the pain to motivate us to a positive purpose.

We live in a society that will do anything to dull our pain at any cost. Instead of processing our thoughts and emotions and allowing ourselves to grieve, many would rather ignore them, never getting through the pain. We are conditioned to find closure too quickly.

Grief isn’t simple.

In fact, it’s very complex because it covers so many types of losses and an infinite number of emotions, sometimes ones we never even knew we had. Grief takes us through a lifelong journey with many twists and turns, and just when you think things are getting better, something happens that triggers the pain all over again.

Those triggers can range from a particular place, a specific date, or even a familiar scent or song. Regardless of the trigger, the return of these emotions can cause us to question whether we will ever get over the pain of a loss. Yet, this, too, is a normal reaction.

We’ve all heard it said, “It takes time, but eventually, you will get past the pain.” Well, I tend to disagree. The truth is that the healing journey of grief and sorrow is not linear. The road can sometimes be messy as you navigate through a fluctuating emotional experience, like a ball of yarn where you can’t find the beginning of the thread.

But there is a way through.

My experience through this challenging event has taught me that the pain of loss is a lifelong journey. Still, it’s a journey where we can adjust ourselves, allowing it to become a lifetime of learning how to experience grief in a positive rather than a destructive way.

And although time does indeed bring a certain level of healing, this thinking can never really transform our pain into purpose or determination to live beyond the grief for our beloved.

This would require more than time; it requires changing our thinking and processing our pain. The key to moving forward is finding out what we really value.

My own struggles with grief.

I have experienced one of the most devastating losses a mother can imagine; in 2013, my youngest son, Benjamin Jacob, contracted a virus that tragically took him from us in just 28 days.

My grief was beyond any emotion that I had ever imagined or experienced! I was exhausted and debilitated by the endless sadness. Hopelessness and despair turned into a deep dark depression.

I spent three years in this mental prison, never imagining that there could have been a way through it. Notice I didn’t say, “never imagining that there could have been a way out of it.” This is because, although I did not know it then, I would need to learn and accept that this was a pain I would have to embrace for the rest of my life.

Where I went from there.

Eventually, I would discover that I had everything within me to learn how to live a life without my Benjamin Jacob. And so, here I am, ten years later, experiencing a life that continues to be filled with purpose, awe, and wonder.

At this point, you might ask, “Dr. Toni, where in the world did you find the strength to overcome such a massively difficult experience?”  And I will respond by saying, “It was found in faith.” Faith in a being more significant than myself, who cared enough to comfort me through the devastation of a death experience.

Now… do I still cry and miss my son? Of course, I do! But I have diligently worked to learn how to adjust my emotions so that they do not control me to the point of losing my mind or my peace.

Discover the truth about grief.

There are amazing discoveries to learn about loss and grief, so I will conclude with the first truth; grief visits us in progressive phases. They are: Shock/Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Rebuilding.

If we do not attend to these early four stages of grief from the beginning of the loss experience, they will cause us to stay stuck in a deep dark endless black hole.

So, if you’re ready to learn about the amazing and life-changing mysteries of finding hope and purpose through your loss, I would love to join you as I walk alongside you on your journey.

Let’s take this walk together! I am waiting for you.